Friday, March 27, 2009

Keep out of the Twilight

There is nothing good about this movie. Nothing. It's badly written, poorly acted, the cinematography is totally overthought and overwrought...hell, even the lighting is bad. Nothing like overlighting characters with pale skin to make them look even more washed out and pale. I officially apologize to Kristen Stewart for another blog posting where I slammed her for saying, "Sometimes I'd be like, 'This is crap. This is the worst, most trite piece of crap I've ever done in my life.' I love the books, but trying to do it in real life, it doesn't translate." You were right; it was crap, but your acting wasn't much better.

Twilight is obviously part of a larger body of films, since the film is about 7/8 exposition and 1/8 action. The film is more than half over before Bella (Stewart) discovers that Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) is a vampire. And, to diverge from the vampire legends we all know and love, Twilight's vampires are able to go out during the day, but have to avoid direct sunlight. And, direct sunlight doesn't make them burst into flame or melt. It makes them glitter like rejects from Studio 54. Glitter!

There's a drama hinted at (to be played out in the last 10 minutes of the next film, perhaps?) about a local Native American tribe (descended from wolves) and the Cullen family of vampires, which also indicates a love triangle that might emerge more clearly between Bella, the bad-haired Edward, and the worse-haired Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner). There's a whole lot of bad hair in this film, by the way.

In addition to the bad hair, there is also a whole lot of bad symbolism. In one scene, Edward is actually positioned in front of a taxidermy snowy owl, which makes him look as though he has wings. Angel wings? Well, he and his family are "vegetarians," living off animal blood instead of human, so perhaps that does qualify him to be amongst the heavenly host.

I recognize that I am not the film's target audience. I have achieved puberty, and do not find Robert Pattinson, with his greasy, floppy hair and questionable personal hygiene, to be the least bit attractive. And yet, I fear that if I were an 11-year-old girl, I would still recognize this movie as being awful. AWFUL!!

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