Major Movie Does Not Disappoint!

Sometimes, you see a movie and it changes your whole world. It gives you a fresh outlook, renewed faith in your fellow man, and an understanding of the future you never thought was possible. And sometimes, you see a not-quite-straight-to-DVD film starting Jessica Simpson, and it lets you know that all is right with the world.

Oh, you haven't heard of Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous? Well, then perhaps you will recall having heard of Major Movie Star, Jessica Simpson's follow up to Blonde Ambition. This film was released in, if I recall correctly, less than 10 theaters in the Dallas, Texas area for about a week, thanks to some wrangling on Dadager Joe Simpson's part. The movie tested so poorly with audiences that, in order to avoid the taint of Major Movie Star, it was released on DVD with a new name.

The movie is exactly what you'd expect, and is probably the final nail in the coffin holding Vivica A. Fox's career. The film is completely predictable from the opening credits to the kiss at the end. Jessica Simpson plays Megan Valentine, an air-headed actress who makes cheesy movie after cheesy movie after cheesy movie (insert an art-imitates-life joke here). In one night, she finds out that her cousin/accountant has stolen all of her money, her assistant thinks she's a horrible joke, and her manager is sleeping with her secretly-gay boyfriend who was only dating her to boost his own career. She reacts as most of us would: Gets drunk, crashes her car and sleeps on the steps of the local Army recruiting office. Naturally.

When she wakes up, a kindly recruiting officer lets her use the bathroom and gives her a cup of coffee where she is taken in by the recruiting video's promise of a new and better life. So, to gain control of her own life, she enlists in the Army. And hilarity ensues. And by hilarity, I mean all the jokes you'll remember from Private Benjamin.

Of course, the movie also tries to be serious, and talks a little about the reasons each woman in her platoon has joined up. One is paying for medical school, one is trying to make a better life for her daughter, one comes from a family of soldiers and one is trying to make her brother, who died in Afghanistan, proud. Oh, and Private Jeter (Cheri Oteri) is bat-shit crazy.

But, moreso, the movie makes the Army appear to be like sleep-away camp with guns. The girls all bond in the barracks, and everyone loves each other in spite of getting off to a rocky start. There's a bit of a sub-plot that doesn't get really well played out, involving Drill Sergeant Louisa Morely, who has a secret, which Private Valentine discovers. And the Drill Sergeant sells information about Valentine's stay to a paparazzo, played by creepy man-child Andy Milonakis, a story that could have gone a bit further.

But, in the end, as expected, Private Valentine grows some 'nads, completes her training and earns the respect of her fellow recruits.

This movie clearly demonstrates why Vivica A. Fox is hosting style competitions on MTV, and why Jessica Simpson has been engaging in has-been behavior, like playing at a chili cook-off in fat pants. It does, however, feature a small role for one of my favorite Gilmore Girls, Keiko Agena.

In the end, this is a predictable film with no real redeeming features. Jess, take a tip from Private Valentine and fire your manager. Who cares if he's your dad--the man is destroying you.

A Movie to Put You Off Cheese

The cover of I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With declares it to be hilarious. Apparently, the reviewer from the New York Times who said this believes "hilarious" means "causes you to want to shoot your toes off one at a time." This movie is awful, and everyone involved with it, from stars Jeff Garlin and Sarah Silverman to the guy who swept under the craft services table should be ashamed of themselves. Like Gigli ashamed.

Jeff Garlin plays James, a fat struggling actor and all-around loser. He's fat. His job, which he loses, is on a hidden-camera prank show that's actually more hurtful than funny. He also gets fired from Chicago's Second City comedy troupe, his agent drops him, his girlfriend leaves him. He's 39 and lives with his mother. And, he loses a part in a remake of Marty (the part of Marty, a fat middle-aged loser who lives with his mother) to Aaron Carter. Yeah, that Aaron Carter.

Then he meets Beth (Sarah Silverman). She seems sweet. She works in an ice-cream parlor. She invites him for a walk, then for a fitting in a lingerie shop. Then she sleeps with him. And then she tells him that she only slept with him because she'd never had sex with a fat guy before and wanted to see what it was like.

This movie does not get any more cheery. If there were to be a sequel made, it would probably be two hours of James standing in line at the unemployment office. The movie is just one colossal downer and gets more and more depressing as it goes along. Honestly, when it was done I wanted to pry open my skull, find the place where the memory of having seen it is stored, pick out that piece of my brain and throw it away.

Nick & Norah's Interminable Movie

Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist is the longest movie I've ever seen in which nothing ever really happens. The premise is that Nick (Michael Cera) got dumped and is very, very sad, so he makes his ex mixed cds, which, of course, she does not appreciate so she throws away. Norah (Kat Dennings), however, rescues them from the trash and adores them, although she has never met Nick. Nick and his band play a show in New York City, at which his ex turns up with a new guy. Norah also turns up, and, in trying to prove she's not a lonely loser to Nick's ex, asks Nick (who, we recall, she doesn't know) to pretend to be her boyfriend.

And then there's this crappy alternapop band that is playing a secret show in the city, and Nick and Norah happen to be their biggest fans! So they go on the hunt for the show, but, Norah dumped her drunk friend on Nick's gay bandmates, who subsequently lost the friend, so everyone ends up hunting for the friend rather than the show. And everyone predictably falls in love.

I was actually really disappointed in this movie, because I thought it would be a good film, or at least have a good soundtrack. While the title of the film refers to an "infinite playlist," if you want to see a movie where music is actually important to the characters, rent High Fidelity. I was also excited to see Kat Dennings in the film, since she was so fantastic as the absolute caricature of a militant revivalist feminist women's studies major in The House Bunny, as well as playing a neatly layered character in Charlie Bartlett. However, her morose too-cool-for-the-world portrayal of the character in this film just falls flat. And, she trashes The Cure, not for their music, but for their name, which is a 100% asinine thing to do. Michael Cera, however, clearly subscribes to the Samuel L. Jackson school of acting where you find one character you can play and play it in every film. However, while Samuel L. Jackson can play the angry black man until he dies, Cera only has about 5 more years of being able to play the awkward teen with hipster leanings. Which means he'll either have to grow as an actor, or we'll see him as part of our Adopt a Celebrity Has-Been program.

The film is not without its high points. Um...Nick's ringtone on his cell phone is Boys Don't Cry by The Cure. Yep, that's it.

So, it's not really that the film is bad, so much as predictable, dull and forgettable. If you see it, please be aware of the risk of developing narcolepsy. Zzzzzzzzz...

Things That Do Not Rock, featuring Spoilers!

What could be more predictable than a film where a rock band caves in to pressure from its label and ditches their drummer only to have the drummer, 20 years later, be a part of the newest up and coming band and have to decide whether or not to open for his original band at their induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Well, um, gravity causing objects that fall from high shelves to land on the floor. The intense pain that comes with stubbing your toe. Decapitation leading to death.

The Rocker does anything but rock. As Fish, Rainn Wilson is meant to be an over-the-top train wreck of a character. Instead, Wilson delivers an over-acted train wreck of a performance...if ever there was an actor meant to be in a minimal supporting role, Rainn Wilson is it. In fact, his performance in Juno is even a little bit too long.

In fact, all the casting in this movie is weird. Pathetic emo boy Teddy Geiger (who played Wayne on the short-lived TV series Love Monkey) is cast as the pathetic emo-pop band's front man Curtis, and the very talented Emma Stone (who was incredible in The House Bunny) is cast as the bass player. Although Stone is underused in the film, she and Geiger make a reasonable pairing, considering the inevitable romance that blossoms between the two of them. And then we have Josh Gad playing Matt, the chubby keyboard playing nerd with a future at MIT. How in the world did he end up in the band? In what universe are the brooding emo boy and the hot post-feminist punk-lite chick friends with the science geek?

They play the same generic emo-pop song throughout the film. There is the inevitable moment where Curtis lashes out at Fish because their sleazy manager tells him Fish is banging his mom. And there is the inevitable moment where Fish agrees to play at his old band's induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and discovers that not only have the guys turned into complete douche bags, but they are actually lip syncing their performance!

In short, this movie isn't worth seeing. If you saw School of Rock, you'll get the basic story and a far superior performance from the film's star.