A Film on the Naughty List

Honestly, all you need to know about Fred Claus is that Ludacris plays an elf. Actually, that's not true. Ludacris plays an elf's head. An actual little person plays the body.

Weird rapper casting aside, the film is just bad. It's badly conceived, badly written, badly acted. The premise of the film is that Fred Claus (Vince Vaughn) is Nick Claus's (Paul Giamatti) older and less successful brother. Fresh out of jail, Fred returns to the North Pole and agrees to work a stint in his brother's toy workshop to earn money to make a fresh start. Unfortunately, Fred isn't what you'd call a model employee and his tenure in his brother's shop coincides with a visit from a vindictive efficiency expert (Kevin Spacey) hell-bent on shutting Christmas down. And mayhem ensues.

A film like Fred Claus makes me seriously question how the film industry works. Think about this. Someone (Dan Fogleman) wrote this script and though, "Dang, this is good. I can sell this!" And then a studio executive read it and thought, "Dang, this is good. People will pay to see this." (I, for the record, watched it on HBO; no money left my pocket with the intention of viewing this atrocity.) And producers put up money to get the film made. And actors thought it would be good for their careers to be in the film (um, did Elizabeth Banks turn down any roles in the last two years? I don't know if she's meant to be a giant elf or randomly the only average-sized person not related to the Claus family living at the north pole). It is difficult for me to imagine there are that many people out there with such poor judgement.

The film, on top of just being a trainwreck from start to finish, also has a heavy-handed "moral" message about forgiving the overbearing scene-stealing sibling in whose shadow you've lived your whole life (thanks to some cameos from Roger Clinton, Frank Stallone and Stephen Baldwin) and shining in your own spotlight. And about pulling together as a family when times get tough and a bad man tries to shut down Christmas because one year he was naughty and didn't get the Superman cape he asked for.

There's also a weird message about tolerance relating to an angry orphan (Bobb'e J. Thompson) whose been so trod upon by the world as a child that he lashes out and ends up on the naughty list. But, as it turns out, there really are no naughty kids, just kids who need a little extra love and understanding. And puppies.

Watch this film at your own risk. It'll make you feel badly enough about yourself for the simple act of having watched it that you should lock up all sharp objects and avoid operating heavy machinery for at least 3 hours afterwards.

A Movie to Smack You in the Face

I can understand the science-fiction film community's desire to remake classic films. However, those remakes rarely do the original justice. I feel like the remakes rely too heavily on special effects and computer animation techniques, whereas the originals were more reliant on imagination and creative filmmaking. Unfortunately, The Day the Earth Stood Still is one of those remakes that just doesn't cut it.

If you haven't seen it, and alien being (Keanu Reeves) comes to earth to meet with another member of his alien race, Mr. Wu (James Hong), who has been living among us to determine whether or not the human race deserves to live. And why might we not be allowed to live? We abuse our planet and are disrespectful of the other living beings we share it with. Moreover, as the universe is imagined here, Earth is one of a very few planets capable of supporting life, and if the highest form of life here is not properly caring for it, then that life form may have to be eliminated to protect the planet itself.

But who goes to bat for humanity? Although Mr. Wu has decided we must be destroyed, he refuses to leave the planet to save himself because he loves humanity enough to die with it. But then we have Dr. Helen Benson (Jennifer Connelly), an astromicrobiologist, her orphaned step-son Jacob (Jaden Smith) and her supergenius mentor Dr. Barnhardt (John Cleese). That's right...the fate of the human race lies partly with Will Smith's kid (who is, I suppose, genetically pre-disposed to saving the world on screen) and Monty Freakin' Python's minister of silly walks. And yet, somehow, humanity gets another chance. I suspect it's that Smith DNA.

In terms of performances...sorry! I dozed off there for a second. Connelly stares pathetically into the camera with her big brown eyes as if that's some kind of substitute for effort. And, although I liked him in Devil's Advocate, I really feel like Keanu peaked when he played Ted.

But, honestly, the only film I've seen with as heavy-handed a message about how humanity is going astray was Wall-E. Watching it I felt like I was being smacked in the face with the wooden acting. In fact, I'm pretty sure if I had never seen a film before, didn't speak English, and was mostly blind and deaf, I would STILL understand that this film was a call to action to save the environment. After all, how many times can Keanu Reeves really singlehandedly save humanity?