Harrison Ford and the Crystal Aliens

Okay, we all know that space is where film franchises go to die (provided, of course, that they were not already set there). Think Jason X or Dracula 3000. But what do you do when your film is set in a historical period that predates the space program and your hero isn't immortal? Well, you just bring space to your hero!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull does just that. And with any luck, its space theme will be the death of the franchise.

The film just kind of starts off ridiculous and stays that way. Granted, I have not seen the other Indy films in a while, so maybe they're worse than I remember them being, but in the first scene of the fourth installment, Indiana Jones has been kidnapped by Russians, who take him to Area 51 to look for a mysterious magnetic corpse. Of an alien. Then, Indy survives an atomic bomb test blast by hiding in a refrigerator, which, although everything else in the bomb's path is vaporized, is blown completely free of the blast unscathed. Of course it is.

And then Indy and his new sidekick Mutt (played by the poorly coiffed Shia LeBoeuf) head off to the depths of the South American rain forest in search of a lost civilization and its crystal skull, which they need to return to its rightful place in the City of Gold (the crystal skull thing, by the way, is real, although the myth around them is that they were created by the citizens of Atlantis, not by aliens). But, the Russians want it too, as it turns out the skull is the actual skull of a psychic race of crystal-skeletoned aliens and can be used as a psychic weapon against the Americans. The film ends with a flying saucer demolishing a part of the rain forest (although it gets filled with water, probably to appease environmentalists). Then it really ends with Indy marrying Marion Ravenwood, who is Mutt's mother--oh, and Indy's his father.

First of all, Steven Spielberg needs to stop making movies. And people need to stop reading a script as ridiculous as the Crystal Skull script and letting the film get made.

Second of all, Harrison Ford must have done all his own stunts in this film, because there's a whole lot of very awkward moments and movements--like when he jumps on the back of Mutt's motorcycle and almost doesn't make it. Of course, there are not nearly as many stunts in this film as some of the previous Indy pics, but Ford is 198 years old, so I guess they tried to make that part believable at least.

So how painful is this movie to watch. Actually, it's only a little like chewing on tin foil while your ears are ringing. Of course, it completely destroys the integrity of the Indiana Jones franchise, so if they make another Indiana Jones film, I will personally find Steven Spielberg and bitch slap him. Especially if they make Mutt Williams the lead.