Sometimes, you see a movie and it changes your whole world. It gives you a fresh outlook, renewed faith in your fellow man, and an understanding of the future you never thought was possible. And sometimes, you see a not-quite-straight-to-DVD film starting Jessica Simpson, and it lets you know that all is right with the world.
Oh, you haven't heard of Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous? Well, then perhaps you will recall having heard of Major Movie Star, Jessica Simpson's follow up to Blonde Ambition. This film was released in, if I recall correctly, less than 10 theaters in the Dallas, Texas area for about a week, thanks to some wrangling on Dadager Joe Simpson's part. The movie tested so poorly with audiences that, in order to avoid the taint of Major Movie Star, it was released on DVD with a new name.
The movie is exactly what you'd expect, and is probably the final nail in the coffin holding Vivica A. Fox's career. The film is completely predictable from the opening credits to the kiss at the end. Jessica Simpson plays Megan Valentine, an air-headed actress who makes cheesy movie after cheesy movie after cheesy movie (insert an art-imitates-life joke here). In one night, she finds out that her cousin/accountant has stolen all of her money, her assistant thinks she's a horrible joke, and her manager is sleeping with her secretly-gay boyfriend who was only dating her to boost his own career. She reacts as most of us would: Gets drunk, crashes her car and sleeps on the steps of the local Army recruiting office. Naturally.
When she wakes up, a kindly recruiting officer lets her use the bathroom and gives her a cup of coffee where she is taken in by the recruiting video's promise of a new and better life. So, to gain control of her own life, she enlists in the Army. And hilarity ensues. And by hilarity, I mean all the jokes you'll remember from Private Benjamin.
Of course, the movie also tries to be serious, and talks a little about the reasons each woman in her platoon has joined up. One is paying for medical school, one is trying to make a better life for her daughter, one comes from a family of soldiers and one is trying to make her brother, who died in Afghanistan, proud. Oh, and Private Jeter (Cheri Oteri) is bat-shit crazy.
But, moreso, the movie makes the Army appear to be like sleep-away camp with guns. The girls all bond in the barracks, and everyone loves each other in spite of getting off to a rocky start. There's a bit of a sub-plot that doesn't get really well played out, involving Drill Sergeant Louisa Morely, who has a secret, which Private Valentine discovers. And the Drill Sergeant sells information about Valentine's stay to a paparazzo, played by creepy man-child Andy Milonakis, a story that could have gone a bit further.
But, in the end, as expected, Private Valentine grows some 'nads, completes her training and earns the respect of her fellow recruits.
This movie clearly demonstrates why Vivica A. Fox is hosting style competitions on MTV, and why Jessica Simpson has been engaging in has-been behavior, like playing at a chili cook-off in fat pants. It does, however, feature a small role for one of my favorite Gilmore Girls, Keiko Agena.
In the end, this is a predictable film with no real redeeming features. Jess, take a tip from Private Valentine and fire your manager. Who cares if he's your dad--the man is destroying you.
Oh, you haven't heard of Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous? Well, then perhaps you will recall having heard of Major Movie Star, Jessica Simpson's follow up to Blonde Ambition. This film was released in, if I recall correctly, less than 10 theaters in the Dallas, Texas area for about a week, thanks to some wrangling on Dadager Joe Simpson's part. The movie tested so poorly with audiences that, in order to avoid the taint of Major Movie Star, it was released on DVD with a new name.The movie is exactly what you'd expect, and is probably the final nail in the coffin holding Vivica A. Fox's career. The film is completely predictable from the opening credits to the kiss at the end. Jessica Simpson plays Megan Valentine, an air-headed actress who makes cheesy movie after cheesy movie after cheesy movie (insert an art-imitates-life joke here). In one night, she finds out that her cousin/accountant has stolen all of her money, her assistant thinks she's a horrible joke, and her manager is sleeping with her secretly-gay boyfriend who was only dating her to boost his own career. She reacts as most of us would: Gets drunk, crashes her car and sleeps on the steps of the local Army recruiting office. Naturally.
When she wakes up, a kindly recruiting officer lets her use the bathroom and gives her a cup of coffee where she is taken in by the recruiting video's promise of a new and better life. So, to gain control of her own life, she enlists in the Army. And hilarity ensues. And by hilarity, I mean all the jokes you'll remember from Private Benjamin.Of course, the movie also tries to be serious, and talks a little about the reasons each woman in her platoon has joined up. One is paying for medical school, one is trying to make a better life for her daughter, one comes from a family of soldiers and one is trying to make her brother, who died in Afghanistan, proud. Oh, and Private Jeter (Cheri Oteri) is bat-shit crazy.
But, moreso, the movie makes the Army appear to be like sleep-away camp with guns. The girls all bond in the barracks, and everyone loves each other in spite of getting off to a rocky start. There's a bit of a sub-plot that doesn't get really well played out, involving Drill Sergeant Louisa Morely, who has a secret, which Private Valentine discovers. And the Drill Sergeant sells information about Valentine's stay to a paparazzo, played by creepy man-child Andy Milonakis, a story that could have gone a bit further.
But, in the end, as expected, Private Valentine grows some 'nads, completes her training and earns the respect of her fellow recruits.
This movie clearly demonstrates why Vivica A. Fox is hosting style competitions on MTV, and why Jessica Simpson has been engaging in has-been behavior, like playing at a chili cook-off in fat pants. It does, however, feature a small role for one of my favorite Gilmore Girls, Keiko Agena.
In the end, this is a predictable film with no real redeeming features. Jess, take a tip from Private Valentine and fire your manager. Who cares if he's your dad--the man is destroying you.
No comments:
Post a Comment